Happy Birthday BabyNovember 05, 2008Today is my oldest daughter's fourth birthday.
As I type this I am torn, should I post this on the blog or not. Technically this blog is my business blog, but it also a part of me and who I am. As an "artist" of sorts, my photography is my creative outlet. Hopefully it records a little piece of who you are, while also recording a piece of me. How I see the world has been totally changed by... let's just call her Bean, since that was the name I called her until we knew she was a girl.
So what's the big deal about posting a kiddos birthday you say? Well, Bean is dead. It is harsh but it is true. She only lived a few hours out of the womb. We were totally taken by surprise, that a perfect, dare I say easy pregnancy ended is such devastating loss. We had no idea that such a thing could or would ever happen to us.
She changed me in so many ways. She changed my circle of friends as some of them still struggle with how to relate to me and my loss. She changed the way I view each and everyday. She changed the things I say to others when they face loss. Bean changed me more than any other person ever could have.
I would love to say that because of Bean I live each day to the fullest and never waste a moment, but that would be a total lie. I am far more aware of how each day is a gift, and I endeavor to make as many memories as possible. Admittedly, I have a less than stellar memory and that is yet another reason pictures are so important to me. I wish I had my friend Smoots memory. She can remember where we were, who was there, what we ate and what everyone had on! I often can not recall the entire event until she reminds me.
There was so much confusion as I was coming out of the anesthesia after the emergency C-section and my Hubby was making so many decisions. We asked a nurse to take a couple of photos of us holding our girl as she slipped from this world to the next. Unfortunately the nurse did not know how to use our camera and did not want to ruin the moment. She did not speak up and we only have two terrible photos where you can barely see Bean. Our family came in the room and took turns holding and loving on her as well. We were all in shock and no one thought to take more photos.
That experience really affected me, and is one of the driving reasons behind my need to constantly photograph the Princess and her friends. We are not assured of tomorrow, but we do have today and the moment we are in.
Recently I found the most amazing group of photographers, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. It is a group of photographers who donate their time and energy to photograph children whose lives are very short. I hope to one day find it within myself to join them. If you read this blog, please make a note of this wonderful site and if you or someone you love ever comes face to face with such a tragedy find one of these photographers to record the beauty of life, no matter how short that life may be.
I say today, to take a deep breath, no matter where you are or what your your life situation is, remember while there is still breath in you there is hope. Hope is an amazing and restorative thing.
I am comforted by the words I once saw on the back of a T-shirt dedicated to a little girl lost shortly after birth, "We find comfort in the fact that Love was all you ever knew." I read to Bean, sang to Bean and spent time with Bean while I carried her around. She was loved by so many before she even took her first breath, and mourned by many more once she was gone. Her few memories of this place are all warm and love filled.
If we all could be so blessed as to be surrounded by love.
Happy Birthday Bean. We love and miss you.
Photos taken yesterday that reminded me how fleeting the beauty of life really is.
The dandelion is just a breath away from falling apart... certainly how I feel sometimes.
1:46 PM